In some ways Covid19 is like dé·jà vu

I know that things feel out of control right now, there is bad news, it is coming, we know we will be affected to some degree, perhaps already have been, but we won’t know the full extent for some time. There is a lot of uncertainty. We are simply not able to have all the answers yet, and in many ways, we have to surrender and wait it out (while doing all that we can in the meantime of course). The fear in the world right now is real, it is gripping our nations. It is raw, it is relentless, it is real. 

I write these words above, but strangely I feel more of an observer to these feelings. My emotional attachment to them isn’t the same as what it could have been, if I hadn’t lived through similar feelings before - twice before.

I will elaborate on my story in coming posts - but for today I just wanted to highlight (for anyone who may be new to the page), that my previous experiences involved two of my three children. 

 On two separate occasions we received completely unexpected (and at the time devastating) news regarding the health and future of our children. Our kids received completely separate and unrelated diagnosis with varying & significant implications.

We received this worrying news during each pregnancy - 20 weeks for our daughter and 17 weeks into the pregnancy with our son. The dates of these scans (6th Dec 2012 & 5th Aug 2016) are forever etched in my mind. This shocking news, this gripping fear hit with a bang during pregnancy and carried over into their respective births and beyond. 

These were by far the most fearful times of my life. 

These experiences brought me to my knees.

These experiences hurt me to my core as I imagined what may happen and how my children may suffer / be challenged as a result of this PENDING news. 

When they were in my tummy, they were safe, they were protected - it was what was to come after birth that was most frightening. After the birth was when the threat of it all would become a reality “What if the ‘What if’s’ come true?”. We had no choice but to sit and wait it out - they were both very long pregnancies - although all of my three children were born at 39 weeks, these two pregnancies seemed to go on forever. 

Our daughter had a large hole in her back caused by Spina Bifida & had also developed Hydrocephalus as a result - but the extent of both would not be known until after her birth. Our son had a completely unrelated issue, he developed a large hole in his diaphragm - Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia - meaning that his abdominal organs had travelled up through this hole. His lungs and heart were squashed as his stomach & other organs took up the space in his chest where these vital organs were supposed to be. As a result, his vital organs could not develop properly. His case was so severe that he was not expected to survive beyond pregnancy or birth. 

I often recalled that it felt like we had been to a Fortune Teller and that we had received bad news that was undoubtedly coming, but we had no choice but to wait for it to arrive. We could not stop it, we could not change it, we had to slowly wait and worry and wonder. 

To make a long story short - our daughter is now a happy and independent 7 year old (almost 7) who whizzes around confidently in her wheelchair. She goes to school alongside her older sister and she is loving life. Both our daughters are unique characters and their little personalities shine so bright. I really enjoy watching them grow. I think that as a result of the above experiences I cherish this all the more. 

Our son, who was not expected to survive, surprised everyone at his birth and fought a good fight. He lived (in hospital) for 5 months and 1 week. We had some amazing, loving and beautiful memories and moments during this time. I am forever grateful. It was a really hard time too, so many ups and downs, constant fear, constant worry. Knowing he was so vulnerable, that his lungs were so fragile, small and underdeveloped and he had spent so much time on the ventilator fighting for his life.

Germs and bugs and colds and flu all became a very real threat. As we visited him in the hospital wards and ICU, I became obsessed with hand hygiene (even more than normal) and I was petrified that someone would unknowingly bring him a bug that his fragile little lungs could not handle. I was anxious that he had put so much effort into living and literally fighting each day to survive and that we, or anyone else, might have posed a threat with an invisible germ. We limited visitors in general and we kept his sisters away if they had the slightest sniffle. We fought hard to keep our own immune systems in top shape (or as best as was possible under the stress and exhaustion – his sister was admitted to hospital 4 times in that 5 month period and required brain surgery during that time also due to a blocked shunt).

On 5th May 2017, at the exact same time that his sister was in theatres for her surgery, we received the news from his medical team that his pre-natal diagnosis was not wrong, that he had simply defied the odds, and that we must prepare ourselves that he will die any day. This was the 5th May 2017 and though we tried everything, living in a physical body had proved to be too much. We said farewell to our little man on 11th June 2017.

For today’s post I won’t go into the grief and devastation that followed. But I will say, I am thankful each day for the time I had, and still have, with all my three children. My son, though not with us physically is a huge part of my life. I now feel his presence by my side all the time. There was a long time when I didn’t feel this connection to him, it was quite a journey to reach this place of understanding. I feel as though I have come out the other side, but I have also done a lot of work on myself along the way. As a result of this experience and especially the inner work that I have put in, I feel more prepared for this current situation than I otherwise would have been.

When we are faced with gripping worry and the fear of the unknown it can be hard to see a way through, so from what I have learned, it is important to slow down your mind, as best you can and just take your next best step. Bring yourself back to the present, where possible. 

For today:

• Try to become aware of and focus on your breathing
• Are you breathing properly? Are you breathing fully?
• Has the worry and anxiety caused you to take more shallow, faster breaths?

This was a huge symptom for me when I was in my most fearful times. I wasn’t even aware of how it had affected my breathing until it was pointed out to me – it may be thesame for you…

Now more than ever it will be important to really breathe deeply into the base of your lungs – to ensure we are clearing our airways fully and to also bring a little calm in the chaos.

Shallow breathing is a natural response when faced with a potential threat, anxiety, worry or stress. It is part of our primal fight or flight response. It served humans well when faced with the immediate threat of attack by a wild animal for example, but this is a more prolonged stressor and we need to maintain our energy levels as best as we can. Breathing slowly & deeply is one way to do that.

I’ll leave it there for today and in the next post I will elaborate further on what helped, what didn’t help and what I have learned specific to my experience, that may help you in what you are facing now.

So, between now and the next post – observe your breathing – and it would also be worth paying attention to the thoughts you are having in relation to your style of breathing.

Stay well and remember to prioritise your wellbeing in a way that works best for you and your family.

Get in touch if you want any further information before my next post

Take care

Aishleen